Fictitious paradise

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:31:50 GMT

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. screams score: 6
2. moans score: 3
3. melusine score: 3
4. oral fixations score: 3
5. forced submission score: 3
6. violent sex score: 3
7. sdmb score: 3
8. magical sky pixies score: 3
9. being submissive score: 3
10. sad books score: 2
11. shovelglove score: 2
12. spaghetti strap tank tops score: 2
13. abuse survivors score: 2
14. gay history score: 2
15. alternative sexualities score: 2
16. forced sex score: 2
17. tenderness score: 2
18. nipple clamps score: 2
19. nicole blackman score: 2
20. being the naughty student score: 2

changed by ouwiyaru based on code by ixwin
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frowny fishy face

Sun, 25 May 2008 07:54:11 GMT

I'm really glad that I'm not really out there checking out the fish in the ocean. Every time I take a lil dip in the pond for whatever reason I end up disenchanted. Of course the result of this is that I just value what I have more, so it's good to have a reminder now and then.

I miss the boy.

I miss the dude a lot too, even when he's here. They'll both be out of town in a couple weeks. That's really going to suck.

Whine whine whine.

Seeking: Inspiration.

Wed, 21 May 2008 17:10:49 GMT

I'm an intelligent individual, but I'm incredibly lazy when uninspired.

Wed, 21 May 2008 05:23:30 GMT

The best line I read today, simply for the humour:

"She was an amazing flirt; it was completely ingrained, however. She flirted with everyone: male, female, lettuce."

I prefer cabbage, myself.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 03:21:52 GMT

pseudomonas me scripsit anno 2005

Colour Meme

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 18:19:02 GMT

Oy. It is pretty darn accurate in a sort of sad way...

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Distractions

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:00:53 GMT

I have a bit of a crush on one of my teachers this semester. I can't say it's helping my performance in her class. Once I start feeling like I don't do well enough I tend to get quieter in class than I normally would. She knew me some from scool-related social functions and I have a feeling she had a pretty good opinion of my abilities. Now that I'm in there and doing only about average work I worry that her opinion of me has lessened. Meh.

She's just so cute. She has one of those cute personalities which is rarely something I see in women. She gives me these looks sometimes. I wish I knew what they meant... I mean, I know what they -don't- mean, but I wish I could read her mind. Heck I wish that about all the people that give me weird looks. Heh.

In other news I'm trying to convince Num to go on a trip to England to visit friends. These friend would include the boy and a couple other people. They'd hang out and drink and play darts or whatever. While sure, I'd like to see people, I'm not really a pub type. I don't drink beer, I don't really feel comfortable in those situations. I want to enable him to go explore without having me there. Yeah I know some of it is bad since part of it is that I don't want him being rejected because of me. My looks don't match how people "see" me and sometimes that doesn't work out. I don't feel that bad about the general concept, but Num's upset by the idea because he thinks it's sad to want to just stay home.

I don't know. Being rejected isn't fun. Potentially having him rejected because of me isn't either. I can deal with chicks not wanting me because I'm married to a *gasp* man, but I can't deal with him not being involved with the boy because I'm unattractive or whatever. Meh.

Why do online friends always have to live so damn far away. Grrr.

Memage

Mon, 23 May 2005 19:27:12 GMT

You scored as The Student Dyke. Your entire life is defined by two things: your intellect and your sexuality; moreover you often merge the two to lure in women.

</td>

The Student Dyke

65%

The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke

50%

The Granola Dyke

50%

The Femme Fatale

50%

The Pretty-Boi Dyke

45%

The Sprightly Elfin Femme

40%

The Magic Earring Ken Dyke

40%

The Quasi-Gothic Femme

40%

The Surprise! Dyke

40%

The Stud

35%

The Bohemian Dyke

35%

The Little-Boy Dyke

25%

The Hipster Dyke

20%

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

(stolen from seeker66 :)

Ebb and flow

Sun, 08 May 2005 06:22:18 GMT

I'm currently on a mini-vacation sitting in a Best Western in Michigan. I've been wanting to update for awhile, but had to put it off as we were preparing for our trip and the like. Now that we're here I'm a bit bored. I think mainly I'd rather be at home feeding my new addiction, which I'll get to momentarily.

First off, TC is officially dating a pre-op MtF transexual. They've hit it off. More power to them. When I first heard it was official I admit I was somewhat saddened, but it was more for the fact that it didn't work out for us. I could've had her, but truth be told I don't want her. I did want her to want me, like an obedient puppy, but really at this point I don't even want her for that. Once she starts talking about the physicality of their relationship (at this point minimal) my stomach turns. It has nothing to do with the other person being TS, morelike I just dont want to hear TC talk about how relationships are, and how they go, when overall she doesn't have nearly enough experience to make such statements. She can still annoy me to no end. It's best when we're talking about friendly things rather than intimate/relationship things, since I feel she is vastly misguided.

It's probably mean of me to say, but I think once she really gets into a hardcore relationship and then has it fall apart she'll have a better understanding of what the real world of relationships is like.

I on the other hand, have a quasi-boyfriend-type now. It's terribly unofficial (if it ever becomes official anyway)plus it's online (not something I'd really been looking for, mind you). Dude is absolutely fantastic about it. I am terribly smitten and I really shouldn't be. I'm far too old for this boy since he should be out bagging coeds. I know it's bad when I'd rather sit around and talk to him all day. It's been ages since I actually wanted to sit and talk to someone. I tend to get bored online so it's rare that I sit and IM with anyone for very long. I have a feeling he'll be around for awhile.

So, things are good. Chicks are currently not much of an issue, school is out for the summer even though I do have an independent study class to complete. Overall life is pretty damn good.

Temptation

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:42:42 GMT

I'm developing a quasi-crush on a boy.

This is not good (but do be aware that the Dude knows... as does TC even though we're no longer together... she's rather supportive, which is kinda weird, in a way... the Dude is bothered by his age, but is also friendly with him, so that's good)

I'm over 10 years older than he is... so really, no... not good at all. We're just friendly and he seems so much older. Reminds me a lot of myself at his age, but he's a boy and boys can fall hard, and that can be very bad. He wants to submit and have me take control, and even though that's oh so tempting I've held back because he should be with somebody more age-appropriate. Plus I wasn't looking for a boy, really... I just bond with them and undertand them so much more...

So I need to get a grip. *sigh*

There are other things I've been wanting to talk about. Been busy with school. Only 7 more days of classwork and then it'll be summer.

Definitely more to follow, even if it's not immediately following.

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 09:17:14 GMT

Once, a few months ago, a complete stranger online informed me that I hated women based on the facts of the physical relationship I had with TC at that time. This at first really upset me since I said that what we did was consensual and that overall she was not harmed in any permanent way (she likes being bitten, HARD). Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't crushed by this persons comments, since they didn't know me from Eve, nor did they know any of the other particulars of our relationship. However it did make me think. Did I hate women? I don't think I would ever use the term *hate*. I do think very aggressively about women, I objectify them in regards to sex (in my mind, my actions don't follow this since I can't/won't objectify things with feelings and thoughts and once I interact with somebody they become *real* to me). I spent many years inside my head thinking about what I wanted to do with one, how, why... and hate never came up as one of those reasons.

After being in a relationship with TC I realise that I did hate some of the things she did... some of the female behaviours that drive me nuts. She wouldn't find out about my anger or frustration because I didn't really express it. In some ways for major things I did, but I didn't convey my feelings to her about those things that were part of her; behaviours she'd probably had for years. Did I hate her? No. My mother was emotionally abusive. Do I hate her? No, but I have no feelings for her. She's my mother, not my friend. I cannot confide in her or have a deep close relationship with her because she always broke my trust if I ever intimated anything with her. I put it out there that my mother ruined my ability to trust women with my feelings because whenever I did such a thing she'd either ignore me or lash out at me.

Of course that isn't carved in stone. I believe I have the capacity to have a healthy relationship with a woman, but it takes time. TC claims that I was too closed off to her. The problem was that the one instance where I was extremely open and vulnerable, it backlashed. In fact that was pretty much where our relationship died simply because I felt betrayed by the mirage that I could be 100% *me* and have that be respected.

No, I don't hate women generally. I hate the positions that some women get into and how they let themselves be treated poorly. I hate them for not standing up for themselves and having a backbone. I hate them for being victims. Mind you these behaviours aren't only those of women, but more often than not they are.

I have a friend who is talking about how she wants to "speak out about her abuse" when she was referencing a woman who'd been date raped who now advocates and lectures. I have issues with this friend since she's never been raped, she was abused by her mother as I was. I'm angry that she compares that to a violent rape. Abuse from your mother makes you not trust that person, possibly it influences your ability to trust other women on some level (FYI I've had many good friendships w/ women my mother's age, not as many my age though), but a violent rape by someone who you thought was your friend makes you not trust any one of that gender, whether they be friend or stranger.

It upsets me because for as long as you dwell on what happened in your childhood, you're not going to move forward. Sometimes you just have to put a period and move on. Neither of us is living near our parents, neither continues to be abused. In my case it pretty much ended within 6mo of my moving out. I'm not sure how it is for her, but even so. You can feel that pain forever, you can be 5+ years out of it like I am and realise how some random stranger will make you reflect on the things you do and make connections about why, but that doesn't mean you need to present yourself to the world as a victim. You can survive, and live, and heal. You can't be a victim forever.

Ponderings.

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 08:47:13 GMT

Some days I really want to come out.

Come out to what, you may ask. Well here's the thing. I can't come out as gay since I'm not exactly gay. But at the same time I don't really want to come out as Bi since I don't love the connotation of that.

Even so, what would people say? Straight people would be like "uh... ok" and gay people would do likewise, pretty much.

So I'd be strange to some of the straight people and a poser to some of the less than straight types.

And then what? Nothing would change.

Some days I feel guilty for not coming out.

I feel like I'm hiding, even though to be honest I'm not. I would give a straight answer if somebody asked me if I liked girls, but I feel no need to shout it from the rooftops.

Maybe I am hiding. In some ways being invisible is safe. Moreso I don't want to draw attention to myself based on who I find attractive. It's my business, nobody elses. Of course it's the business of those I choose to be involved with also, but that's different.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 06:55:04 GMT

School starts again tomorrow. My second semester back at UNL (even though on paper I'm a Jr.) and I still have the jitters. I know it'll be fine after the first couple classes, once I have the syllabi in hand and can see what is expected of me. Papers are fine, tests are of course expected... presentations and speeches, however, SUCK and I will bitch and moan about having to do the damn things. Grrrr.

Life is pretty good IMO. TC's life is sucking, but I'm not the cause of that so I'm not really concerned. Dealing with her at a minimum seems to be the best option currently.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 10:33:01 GMT

I should really update more often so I can track how I'm feeling. Couldn't hurt.

The chick has been here since late Thursday night. Things have been fair, I guess. I'm completely torn as to what the right path is for my relationship with her. I pretty much said I don't want her moving here, and I don't think I'm going to miss her like I did the last time she was here. Having her around is nice in certain respects, but I currently don't see her as somebody who can handle my feelings since the last couple instances when I presented them to her, she turned the whole thing into something about her. I told her how much that bothered me and she got slightly angry because she thinks I'm supposed to let her have a chance at these things multiple times before she'll really know how to deal with them. The thing is I don't need her to analyze things for me, I need her to receive and digest rather than telling me that I should be this way or should not be however it is I am.

People don't realise how unhelpful it is to tell somebody that their feelings are not the right feelings and that they should feel differently. That doesn't help anything.

At times, when I'm lying between the two of them I realise that I feel absolutely nothing. I go through the motions and behave in a manner that I should, but overall the experience is flat. In my head I know I'm going through the motions more for them than for myself, and this is a problem since they're both people who want terribly to please me.

I tell them that all I'm good for, for them, is for sex and cooking, and this makes them shake their heads and adamantly disagree, but maybe it's that that is all I can give them at the moment. My emotions fluctuate so much based on whatever situation I'm in at the time, that I know that this stance is not how I'd truly feel if something dramatic happened (moreso with the dude since I feel almost completely emotionally shut off from the chick). If I lost him I would be devastated, and if I wasn't at the moment it happened, I know that it would hit me eventually and would be a very bad thing. Some days I think I could handle it and others I think there really wouldn't be any point anymore.

Dear you,

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 07:38:40 GMT

Saying you're a martyr for love does not mean you aren't a pathetic loser for sticking with someone who seems to want to carry on a relationship with you as long as you do all the work to keep things working. I'm sorry, but that isn't a real relationship. You should be smarter than that, damnit.

*mutter*

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:44:02 GMT

Things are better. They tend to get to that point a day or two out of a major episode.

I'm starting to really wonder if maybe I am bipolar or something. I don't like being all hypochondriac-y about it, but well, sometimes you have to consider such things.

My lows are rather low, but tend to be brief. My highs moreso exhibit themselves as having excess energy than anything else. I don't do the whole crazy yelling and screaming episodes and the like that are typically attributed to BPD. I figure it can work to different degrees.

The thing is I know the reasons of why my lows happen... there has *always* been an impetus. They don't just spring up out of the blue. At the same time I think there are reasons I have highs too, although some of them just *are*. I may not feel that much happier inside, but I act in a far more cheery manner "just because."

I'm currently at the stage where I'm only sleeping 5-6 hours a day and where that is plenty. I could go longer without any sleep but my eyes protest very loudly because they get all dry and gritty to the point where eyedrops don't help at all. This mood may be here simply because I'm on break from school and I'm feeling very motivated about getting things done around the apt. The dark grey time that happened a handful of days ago was brought on by the fact that I had to deal with insurance crap and had a final the next day so I guess I was stressed. I rarely feel stress, but I guess it's there regardless. I mainly just get to a point where I'm either going to do really well or barely pass; I don't often worry about failing. So what stress I do have is there because I want to do above average, not because I'm struggling to get by.

I guess I need to write more often about all of this to try and see how badly I sway from one side to the other and if there is any trend in my moods.

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 04:27:17 GMT

Is not wanting to be alive anymore really a sign of being mentally ill? Does it make a person clinically insane or something? Or is it just a depressive state; something you come out of if you pop the right pill? What if the person behind it all doesn't fall into any of the typical behaviours of being depressed?

I guess one could say I'm depressed, but really I just feel apathetic more often than not. I have good days and really bad moments. In general I'd be quite happy if I could fade out of people's lives. Sorta an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but where everybody elses's memory is erased.

You see that's the rub. Hurting the people that care and leaving some mark on their lives about it all... Some would never recover... OK, one person would never recover, but still.

All these really wonderful people in the world have horrible things happen to me while I'm here being a useless waste of resources.

*sigh*

Rules to live by (for me at least, it seems)

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 08:33:29 GMT

1. Never let them see you cry. - I seem to have problems with this one since I tend to just cry when I'm upset and somebody I feel should be comforting is around. It happens. I hate being so chicky sometimes.

2. Don't talk to people about how you feel or about what you are or are not eating at any given time. - Nobody can handle my true feelings. Either I just choose to get involved with people who are unable to, or my emotions are so intense that nobody can handle it. As for the food part, people who like you as you are don't care that you're trying to change your diet since they only want you to be happy and if eating nothing but chocolate does that for you then they really don't care.

3. Try to adopt the whole "I'm okay, you're okay" stance. I have problems with this, I don't want to live with the illusion that everybody is fine. I'm not fine, but I know the issues I have can't be easily solved and most likely cannot be solved by anyone else.

There are more. My mind is just a blank at the moment.

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 08:25:50 GMT

Sometimes I don't know if I'm conflicted or just afflicted.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 10:56:24 GMT

Watch me control my anger...
I did tonight anyway. I swear some people look at things through the smallest hole and think they're seeing the big picture. Ugh. I've made a point of not letting people online really anger me, at least not to the point of actually exhibiting my anger back at them. My quest to be understood sometimes makes that difficult, though. I absolutely hate being lumped into a category and then trying to explain myself only to be further categorized.

*mutter*

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 13:40:55 GMT

So yeah, there's this girl I'm starting to like online. She's rather new to the idea of girls so that's appealing. She's very cute acting and fun. She lives a couple states away and has a bf so any real potential is rather slim. No matter, it's nice chatting with her a bit. There's another older, more experienced girl who has been giving me attention, but she has *so much* baggage that I don't know if I could deal with that, even if she did move back to this part of the country. She has family that live not too far away so there is that possibility. Sometimes you just never know what could happen.

I've suddenly become rather popular with the gang again. I have a habit of going away for a month or so then popping in on a regular basis for a few weeks, then sorta going off again. Mainly I go away from boredom, so if anybody or any group keeps my interest I'll probably keep going around more.